Perimenopause- it’s more than hot flushes and night sweats.

I‘ve eventually made an appointment at the doctors this afternoon as quite simply, I can’t handle feeling like this any more.🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m also out of any will to try and pretend that I don’t feel like this. But I’m also scared that there‘s nothing wrong with me and I’ll be told that this is just what life feels like. Probably the main reason I’ve kept it to myself for so long. So today feels like a good day to put how I feel into words. To try and get some clarity in my own mind before I speak to my GP. My symptoms are a plenty but the hardest to handle is my loss of identity.

For about a year now I’ve felt out of sorts. Actually that’s a huge understatement. I’ve felt like a completely different person. I remember how I used to feel about things, people, situations , and I don’t feel like that anymore. It’s closer to the truth to say I don’t feel much at all. Because it’s so recent I can remember how the old me felt and it’s really confusing trying to figure out why I don’t feel like that anymore.

I feel like a fraud. I feel empty. I feel embarrassed. I feel low. I feel fed up. I feel I have no sense of purpose. I feel at 41 years old that there’s very little joy left in my life, despite the fact that my life is FULL of things to be grateful and feel joy for. Now that’s the real head fuck bit as I don’t want to change anything about my life in order to make things feel better, as everything I have is more than enough. And normally when you feel crap about something you know exactly what action is required. But I can’t see anything that’s broken apart from how I see the world and how I respond. I’m stuck and I’ve been stuck for a very long time.

What I’m hanging on to is that I remember how I felt before. I remember the drive I had. I remember my get up and go. I opened my own gym during the first lockdown. It didn’t even scare me because I believed in myself. It excited me! I remember my confidence and self belief. I remember putting my all into competing and loving the highs and lows. I remember feeling things whether they be good or bad. Now I just feel empty.

I have a bloody amazing wee gym and the most incredible clients yet I feel I don’t deserve any of it. I feel like a fraud at work. How can I help others when I can’t help myself? I’m almost waiting on the floor to give way from under me. I used to have so much to offer and share. I loved sharing content on social media. Now most days being positive and simply talking to people is exhausting. And that’s really hard to admit. I’m sleeping 10-11 hours plus every night and still shattered during the day. I’m avoiding social situations. Sometimes I feel like I’m functioning like a robot. Going through the motions and contributing nothing that resembles me. I still want to do the things I was capable of before but I feel stuck. I‘m trying and failing and each failure compounds into even more self doubt.

I now realise that I’ve watched and supported clients who’ve gone through the same. I’ve failed to properly understand but I’m caring, supportive and patient by nature as a coach so that’s enabled me to be of some use through their difficult times. Going forward I’ll definitely be in a better position to relate to others. I guess that’s one positive so far!!

I’m not really sure why I’ve written this but it felt like the right thing to do. I might regret being so open about it and retreat back to my miserable cave. In fact I probably will as my head changes so much from one day to the next that I feel dizzy. But this is today. The first day I’ve been totally open with myself and anyone who’s reading this. And I guess that maybe I’m hoping that someone will read this and realise it‘s not just them. It’s my duty as a coach to keep it real and honest. I DON’T want sympathy. I don‘t need sympathy. I just want to put these thoughts and feelings somewhere other than the darkest corner of my mind.

Hopefully my next blog will be to share some positive changes and inspire others rather than depress them.😆 I actually feel a huge sense of relief from simply writing this. I’m ready to get my old self back and today is day 1 of that journey. Who’s with me?❤️